Photo: Xurzon / iStock / Getty Images
This is just a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting, funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast of today's show. However, if you're looking for a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Point:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
Oh yeah bitches, it is Chainsaw Friyay and the weather is just perfect for sawing your burgers, steaks and dogs apart this weekend. However, I should probably put out this dire warning to enjoy all that cooked meat while you can because we are on the brink of an apocalypse. Be it eventual radiated zombies or all of us just being confined to our houses while wars start all around us, we definitely need to be prepared. Enter Costco, which Angi came to realize yesterday, sells apocalypse dinner kits. These $63 5 gallon black buckets of non perishable food have a shelf life of 25 years and 132 servings in them. The mylar pouches contain 8 different meal options including breakfast, drink and desserts. Marris was honestly having none of this though he did admit he did want to be able to eat and not just get eaten, which is bound to happen when the zombies, cannibals or religious zealots come bursting through the door. He also questioned how it would taste but we actually had a response for that. According to someone who bought in on this nonsense, they said it was tasty. So all you need is some non radiated room temp water (good luck with that in the apocalypse) and dinner is served. Marris added though that when he ate an MRE that his friend had, it was kind of awful. Angi had one from her uncle and she said it honestly wasn't that bad so I guess we're split on this one. Also, it's the apocalypse so you're kind of going to eat whatever you can get your hand on. That said, we had to ask what the two of them would want in their survival buckets. Marris sought out seasoning packets, hot sauce and of course, fried rice (no one said this wasn't going to teeter into delusion.) As for Angi's, she would want wine and gummies in hers because she needs to relax. Marris was concerned about the fermenting of the wine but as any good drunk knows, some get better with age. Plus, maybe she could use some of her stash to get the zombies drunk or high.
Other Stuff from Today's Show
Oh God, here we go again, yet another stupid Tiktok trend is taking over and this time, it's going to affect all the fellas. "Boy Sober Summer" is exactly what it sounds like, girls are going into voluntary celibacy because someone told them it's a trend. This means that there will be no casual hookups or sex if you're dating. HP initially seemed to be disgusted by the idea but was happy for all her fellow ladies. Apparently, everyone needs a break from a man (I could use a break from some of these ladies though for real.) Angi wasn't as on board because she would like the lack of drama but sex is kind of necessary (and fun.) This step back from all things worth hanging out with guys is about taking a step back and taking time for themselves, as much as Marris is confused by all of it. He also pointed out that this doesn't need an announcement but if a girl shuts her legs in a forest, how does anyone know it occurred without her telling the whole world. Angi, known hater of men, then proceeded to go after men and Marris because that's what she does. So it seems if you're suffering a dry spell guys, it turns out you are not the problem but women are (turned that one right around on ya!) The best idea is just to hunker down and wait for Fall when "cuffing season" commences once more or be like Marris and go to Tanzania where this trend probably is not occurring.
Right, moving along in the morning, we took a pit stop to call out certain celebrities for looking cool but probably having something sus about them (and in turn making sure they never come on the show in doing such, like that kid from ALF...oh wait.) For example, known bitch Ellen is doing a farewell from the public eye tour but the reality is she was outed for being an a-hole and therefore no one cares about her anymore. Adding to that list of assumed people who look nice but are clearly secretly awful included:
- Rachel Ray: They say she is fake and she definitely can't cook even though she's known for it. Marris offered he would never eat her food.
- Ryan Seacret: He probably has a basement full of bodies and bones. Angi agreed.
- Michael Buble: No the carbonated water guy! He seems calm and cool but there was that photo where he playfully choked his wife. Marris is not on board with this one.
- Gwenyth Paltrow: I mean, what do you think GOOP is made from?
- Jack Nicholson: A few scandal's, the 70's and Roman Polanksi don't help his creepy guy from The Shining image. Apparently people think he's a lecherous old grandpa.
- Adam Levine: He clearly sold his soul to the devil.
- Chip and Joanna Gaines: Mariss has no idea who they are and Angi agrees with this. The dead cockroach Chip put in his mouth once cemented it. Angi thinks they're aliens.
- Jimmy Fallon: Another agree, everything seems fake, forced and he gives Angi crackhead vibes.
- Jonah Hill: Something about uncomfortable interactions.
- Will Smith: This is a given after the slap.
- Mr. Beast: Angi and Marris are on board with this as well, saying he's too good, there has to be something sinister. Outside of his core friends, it's not all it's cracked up to be and he can be exploitative.
- Weird Al: Though Angi and Marris love him and don't agree, people think he's weirder than he lets on.
Finally, there are just certain rock songs you just can't escape (I'm not adding more so I don't get fired.) That said, stadiums are lazy and certain songs are overplayed at stadiums. Here is the top 5 along with additions from Angi and Marris.
1. "Enter Sandman" by Metallica
2. "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns N' Roses
3. "Seven Nation Army" by The White Stripes
4. "Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne
5. "Thunderstruck" by AC/DC
As for their choices in the studio, "We Will Rock You" by Queen, anything Imagine Dragons, "Jump Around" by House of Pain and "Insane in the Membrane" by Cypress Hill.
Don't Kill Angi Weekly Recap
Mon: Angi wanted to rob her doctors medicine cabinet
Choice: John had Angi decide to steal Xanax.
Result: After taking a tumble during a weekend trip to New York, Angi was finally convinced it was time to see her doctor. Sure, the actual list of ailments she had was longer than the doctor would have time for but the trip would not be a waste as she had intended to rob the drug closet the moment she got the chance. Unaware that he should be locking stuff like this up when Dairy Queen Taylor was around, the doctor took one look at Angi and was shocked she was still alive. Knowing that he was in for a massive payday for all the trauma he would need to attempt to fix, the doctor excused himself to go call the bank and tell them that an influx was coming. However, the moment he left the room, Angi made a sprint toward the drugs and started grabbing all the Xanax she could get her hands on. Knowing that he would wonder why the entire stockpile was empty when he returned, Angi then ran out of the office and drove to Grant Park. Since Lolla was incoming in a few weeks, it was the perfect time to bury her drugs at home plate on the West baseball field. Unfortunately for Angi, Marris announced on air where she did this so even though she would be out of pills for popping, she was a hero to all the drugged out kids who intended to go see the four days of shows. (Alive)
Tue: Angi wanted to cook for the Bears
Choice: Chris had Angi decide to cook Goya beans and rice for the Bears.
Result: After looking at the iHeart kitchen and realizing that the food left for the station critters fueled such great radio, Angi decided that she wanted to become the chef for the Bears. In her mind, she could whip the team into winning shape if she was the one leading the chow line. Barely knowing how to cook, Angi leaned back on her classic dish of Goya beans and rice. As the players all lined up eagerly, Angi poured out spoonfuls on the trays and watched as everyone chowed down. It seemed to be things were great and Angi had done something good for once until Caleb Williams dropped his fork and started choking. Following him, everyone else who had indulged in the meal started to do the same. As the bodies hit the floor and vomit began to fill the hall, Angi tried to figure out what she did wrong. It was then that she realized that she had accidentally put rat poison in the recipe instead of salt. Knowing that the season was now lost since she had poisoned the team, Angi backed away slowly and ran out the back door of the cafeteria. Thinking she was home free, Angi continued to run but as she turned a corner she saw Staley the Bear directly across from her in a golf cart. Without a word, he sped forward and ran Angi over. To make sure he put down the woman who almost killed the team, Staley backed up over Angi's head which caused it to explode like one of Gallagher's watermelon's. (Dead)
Wed: Angi wanted to get an MLB job.
Choice: Don had Angi decide to become a bat swallower.
Result: Still not having learned her lesson after almost killing all of the Bears, Angi decided to try her hand at an MLB job. Applying with the Sox, Angi offered to come in and be their bat swallower. While no one in the front office knew what this deranged woman was all about, they decided to humor her to get her out of their way. Going down and thrilled that they had faith in her, Angi went downstairs to the dugout and decided to get to work as a bat swallower. While everyone was wondering what the job actually entailed, it seemed that this made up position had something to do with wood in Angi's mouth (which everyone in the world knew was her specialty.) In reality, the job apparently was all about Angi putting tar in her mouth and then using her mouth to tar the bats. The filthy whore "hawk tuah" was applied to the first bat and handed over to a Eloy Jiménez and after heading to the plate, it allowed for him to hit a grand slam. This momentous feat propelled the Sox to their first win in 237 games and was enough to convince the team to take her on as an unpaid employee. (Alive)
Thur: Angi wanted to be cryogenically frozen
Choice: Jason had Angi decide to opt to return during 2099.
Result: After learning about how people are being frozen to prolong their lives and return when there are cures for the 800 or so ailments she suffered from, Angi decided to have herself frozen. Without consulting her husband or quitting the show, Angi slipped herself into a frozen chamber and took a nice long chilled slumber. After 75 years of blissful ignorance, it was finally time for Angi to emerge from her ice cocoon. With the door open and her body thawed, Angi was alive once again in the year 2099. While her senses were slowly returning, Angi found herself still a bit drowsy. It turned out that music was needed to take participants out of their ice coma and so a pair of headphones was slid onto Angi's head. As the music was cranked up, the harmonica in it became the first thing she heard because the wake up music was Blues Traveler. Disgusted that the band was still around and people still listened to that garbage music, Angi immediately decided that she wanted to be frozen once more. With the chamber closed, Angi went under the ice for another 100 years. (Alive)
Fri: Angi went home to Minnesota for the weekend
Choice: Jorge had Angi decide to go visit Minnesota Barb.
Result: For reasons that made sense to only Angi, during her return visit back to Minnesota, she decided to go visit the old bait shop she worked at. She assumed that if she hashed things out with Minnesota Barb, she would stop coming into the studio and making it smell like fish. Walking in, it was the same as she remembered it and before she could say a single word, Angi was accosted by Minnesota Barb who decided she wanted Angi to get back to work. After all, all her show appearances are unpaid and so Angi was going to have to work off some of the debt accrued since iHeart doesn't pay anyone. As Angi stood around disgusted, one of the customers demanded she get some leeches. Going over to the tank, Angi leaned in when suddenly she saw the tank was longer than it looked from initial view. This was because it led to a tunnel where the Minnesota Freshwater Shark was lurking. As a return home present, he swam forward and chomped Angi in half while speaking with a weird Irish accent. (Dead)
Request Wars 3.5
Theme: Songs That Feel Like the Weekend
Current Champion: Marris (1x)
Angi's Song Choice: "More Than a Feeling" by Boston
Marris' Song Choice: "Thnks fr th Mmrs" by Fall Out Boy
Winner: Marris
10 O' Clock Toast:
Toastee: Scott Stapp
The Creed singer finally came out and said that he was proud that people compared him to Eddie Vedder when Creed was new because the same had been said of Hootie & the Blowfish's Darius Rucker prior. Basically, every guy in the 90's sounded like Eddie Vedder. We then started talking about prolapsing because it's Friday.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
"Anthony Mackie ... I know Bob Mackie, the designer." - Angi
"If you go to a BBQ at Trashheap Taylor's house, the best food to bring is Valtrex burgers. Whatever she's serving will definitely give you the herp." - Minn Barb
New Head Roadie Alert! Congrats Fred - Head Roadie of Grandfather's Under 50 Years Old
